Ch. 2 - Untenable Defiance / Untenable Defiance

Elvira makes her first escape attempt, and Akash introduces her to the Affini brand of sexual assault. Wait, aren't they supposed to be the "good guys"?

Synopsis:

Elvira awakes, unrestrained, bruised, and not yet sober. She swipes a small knife, cuts her cuffs and collar, and slips out while the door opens. Elvira is caught and disarmed immediately by Akash. The Affini injects Elvira with a touch- and desire-enhancing drug, and the human is horrified by the idea of being part of her captor’s reproductive cycle. The toxin floods Elvira’s system and subverts her mind, she is made to beg for her new mistress’ touch, and the Akash finds joy in her pet’s weakening resolve.

Changes:

Not many changes at the opening. The scale of the room is adjusted to emphasize the size difference, Akash’s footsteps are replaced with the rustling of her foliage. “I’ll get you your xenodrugs” is changed to “I’ll get you your medicine”. A small but impactful change comes when Akash injects Elvira after her quickly-foiled escape attempt:

“’You know, this isn’t exactly following procedure, but you’ve destroyed your cuffs and you do need to be calmed down..” A flowered vine moves in front of Elvira’s vision, the tip splaying open, revealing a thin needle-like structure, dripping with a dark blue fluid.”

Sinister!

“’You know, I was saving this to use as a reward, but you’ve destroyed your cuffs and you do need to be calmed down…” A flowered vine moves in front of Elvira’s vision, the tip splaying open, revealing a thin needle-like pistil, dripping with a dark blue fluid.”

A little less sinister. Having an alien state that she’s “not exactly following procedure” when she drugs the protagonist implies a degree of risk and carelessness towards her well being – changing that to “I was saving this treat for later, but I guess you can have it now!” doesn’t quite have the same effect. The story loses another rough edge.

Up next, Akash finishes restraining Elvira, and Elvira starts to really feel the effects of the drug.

“‘F-fuck..’ Almost yelling, Elvira shakes as Akash’s hands brush past her legs. As the ankle cuffs click into place, the shaking human hugs herself tightly, curling her legs onto the bed and against herself.

‘Darling, are you alright?’”

And the revised version:

“‘F-fuck…’Almost yelling, Elvira shakes as Akash’s hands brush past her legs. As the ankle cuffs click into place, the shaking human hugs herself tightly, curling her legs onto the bed and against herself.

‘Just one more, little pet.’ The affini holds out a fresh collar, and without so much as asking, wraps it around the human’s neck.

Elvira whimpers needily, hands immediately flying to her neck’s new adornment to try and find some way to remove the collar, but she can’t find even the trace of a seam.

Groaning as her eyes continue to defocus, she rolls over on the bed, facing away from Akash. She doesn’t want to be seen, can’t let herself be seen in such a pathetic state by her captor.

‘Darling, are you alright?’”

This is a solid addition, adding a collaring scene and putting a light on Elvira’s humiliation in this moment. Good stuff, no notes.

Next,

“‘What did you think I injected you with? Surely you know enough about affini physiology to recognize our pollination cycle~’. The human’s eyes go wide and she screams, in frustration, humiliation, and desire. The mere thought of playing a part in some filthy xeno’s reproductive cycle is entirely anathema to her.”

This passage appears in both versions of the work, unmodified, but I wanted to call attention to it. Here, Akash is letting Elvira know that, not only is she drugged, she’s now involved in the Affini reproductive cycle! It’s horrifying and humiliating! Great stuff, we’ll revisit this later.

Finally, an insertion in the climax of this chapter:

Tears run down Elvira’s face, her fractured will sliding further apart from her wishes. “P-please touch my breasts, my face, my skin, I can’t stand it!”

“You’ve told me what you want, but that’s not how to ask for it, now is it darling?”

And the revised version,

Tears run down Elvira’s face, her fractured will sliding further apart from her wishes. “P-please touch my breasts, my face, my skin, I can’t stand it!”

How can she be begging a revolting xeno, an affini no less, to do this to her? It’s beyond degrading!

“You’ve told me what you want, but that’s not any way to ask for it, now is it darling?”

The mindbreaking begins! Elvira’s will is tested by the drugs forcing her to crave her mistress’s touch! We’ll soon see the first crack in her psyche and the first step on the road to ego annihilation!

Kinda weird that she needs to shit-talk the Affini at this moment, though? I can’t blame her, but is this aside adding much to the scene?

Discussion:

As in the previous chapter, we see the Affini being made more sympathetic, and Elvira hating them a bit more. I’d say the two might balance out, but that’s not really the case; the horror of the situation is undercut by removing some of the danger, and Elvira’s hatred of the Affini doesn’t have much of an emotional impact.

I also want to point out that an element of the story that, apparently, did NOT need to change is Ahask’s use of the phytotoxin and related sexual assault of Elvira. Even with a knife, the Terran girl poses no threat whatsoever to Ahask, and the Affini undoubtedly has no shortage of ways to subdue her new ward. In both versions, Ahask very much chooses to violate Elvira.

If this rewrite is trying to make the Affini the “good guys”, why did they forget about this detail? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think there might be some sort of moral double-standard going on here!